Shadows of the Soul

For the the NEW doctors...

When your job puts you repeatedly in a position where your decision can mean the life or death of a person, something in you changes.

In your desire to improve your astuteness in diagnosing and treating diseases, the soul is sometimes left out. 

The mind is nourished but the heart is starved.

It is ironic that in the fight to add life, the giver of life is sometimes forgotten. 

The pressure to become a good doctor can be stressful to the heart and soul. The struggle is real as any young doctor doing residency training can attest.

The feelings of rebuke, guilt,remorse and pride are the SHADOWS OF THE SOUL.

 

REBUKE.

Looking from a window of a taxi. Blocks of dilapidated houses. Seemed endless. Men, women and children. Any chance one of them was once a patient? 

Whirled to the past. How many times did he shamelessly castigated someone for bringing in a sick without money for medicine? The "Poor"? Oblivious to their responsibilities, always posing to be  "victims". Cant they work harder to pull themselves out of poverty? Unconsciously developing an aversion to vagrants, but never admitting it ... lest God might be listening? Detested begging for medicines! Tired of making clinical abstracts and referral letters asking for financial help! Weary of being accused of indifference when a patient dies without receiving the treatment he needed but could not afford! In his mind, he is a doctor, not a social worker! But if circumstances were different...

Looking from the window of a shanty. Cars passing by. Seemed endless. Men, women and children. Any chance he would be like them? 

Never went to school. Earnings barely sufficed for food. His hunger appeased by water...for now.  Somebody close is sick. Only hope is a government hospital. Without money for medicines, is death eventual? Is God listening?

Looking from the window of a taxi. Blocks and blocks of dilapidated houses. Seemed endless... reminding him of his shame. REBUKE

GUILT

He can feel his impatience rising.  Has already seen a lot of patients and needed to see more. Throat's almost dry. The old lady kept talking about her family! He is not her priest! His face frowns, his voice increased in decibels...obviously irritated! The Lady notices and becomes quiet. He rattles instructions on how to take her medicines. Relieved when it was finished. Lady takes his  hand. Looks into his eyes. Smiles. Minute of silence seemed a year. Thanks him for listening. His heart was full of guilt. 

Minute of listening is never a minute wasted. Should have known. GUILT

REMORSE

Eyes became teary. There's no more hope for her mother. Hypoxic encephalopathy attached to a mechanical ventilator for more than a month. Poor prognosis. He had to tell her. Why? Out of concern for her? Not sure. Probably he wanted her to decide to bring her mother home. One less patient to take care. She tenderly cared for her for more than a month. Why? Because of hope. Hope that her mother will live and perhaps smile again. Now it's gone. Stolen by a thief in white. What is left for her now? What is left for her mother now? REMORSE

PRIDE

She looked at him. Held his hand. "Doctor, pangalawa ka sa Diyos". Taken aback. Became speechless. Two days ago, her sister was unresponsive. Massive stroke. Grave prognosis. Did not hide it from her. Her response: "Tanggap na namin Doctor". Did not do much but she lived. 

"Doctor, pangalawa ka sa Diyos". Said it again. Thought he did not hear it the first time. He simply nodded. Weird feeling groped him. Flattered? No. Insulted? No. Did not understand. Did not want to understand. Guess the idea of healing as an alliance with God has not sunk in fully yet. PRIDE